New year, new commitments! I think coding and sites are cool and wanted to make one for a while, but I couldn't and still don't understand basic foundations of coding even after the highschool classes I took, so I wanna take the few months I have left before college to learn enough to where my site not only works, but looks good too. I hope I can stay interested in this plan long enough to actually commit and not just leave the sire unfinished and collecting dust. Anyways, a few days ago I recieved a scholarship to UTRGV and got accepted in their honors college. I wanted to go to UTSA though, mainly because San Antonio had things to do and places to see, while where I live only has a mall with half of it's stores closed down. I am gonna try to call the UTSA Financial Aid director to see if they can match the scholarship that UTRGV gave me to make this decision easier for me. In the meantime, I had already grieved all the daydreams I had about UTSA, so if they deny my request for the scholarship, I will accept my fate and go to UTRGV. Ngl, I have been getting used to the idea of being seen as smart at UTRGV, because not even my own local college offered me money or honors. It's not like my grades are bad, they are extremely good, but others still are better than me so it makes sense. Afterall i'm the top 40%, not the top 10% of my class. Ik I will not get another offer like this from any other school so that also makes me feel better about attending UTRGV. With this offer, and the honors acceptance thing, I am starting to consider psychiatry over psychotherapy. UTRGV specializes in Med students from what I know, so while they are offering me all this, why not milk this opportunity and go into psychiatry to earn that white coat? The salary is more than psychotherapy anyways. It worries me though, because I don't know I guess I have a habit of selling myself short? When things get difficult I get overstimulated and overwhelmed and give up, and I am worried I don't have what it takes to be a psychiatrist, or maybe even a psychotherapist. Let's say I make the switch from psychotherapy to psychiatrist, and all of a sudden when I get to the statistics portion of the pathways of courses I give up, then thats like THOUSANDS of dollars and MONTHS or YEARS put to waste. Even if I try to push through, would I be a good psychotherapist, or the one who cheated on their exams? I doubt my capability of fufilling the majority of careers. One of the reasons I chose psych was to avoid math, except after college applications was when I found out Psychology includes math. I guess I'm fucked regardless. Ngl I think I live too much within my ADHD/ADD. It is just so hard to focus enpugh to understand html, math, or even to just sit down and read a good book. What will I do when I am in college and can't read a textbook?! Basically, rn I am at a point where I know there is a big chance of me failing in the future, so I am just trying to not think about it and have fun while I still can before I graduate and go to college Fall 2025 semester. Anyways, Hopefully I can fill my interests and lists page, because honestly I don't know what my personality is. Where does me begin and my ADD/ADHD end? My interests and hobbies and like everything just switches so quickly I can't even tell what I like or how I am. Honestly, the only thing I have ever been passionate about my whole life is art, but even that dies out every now and then. I have work tommorow at 2pm, and a dentist appoitment at 12pm, so I gotta wake up at like 10am, and it is literally 5:13 am rn. BTW I currently work at dominos (this is so i can look back on this). GN! P.S. How is UTRGV future-me? Did you make friends? Did you find better medications? Did you find love? Did you ever start working out? Have you started reading as a hobby like we always wanted to do? What about playing bass or guitar? What do we look like now?
This year kinda sucked. I was doing good then I was doing bad, on and off all year. I'm exhausted and I don't really wanna do this anymore. I'm still gonna continue though, finishing school is honestly one of the only goals I have right now that keeps me sane. I'm really hard on myself though, and part of me wishes I wasn't. I don't think I'm lovable, and I don't think I'm made for people. No matter what I do or who I'm around I feel lonely. I'm a leech, always have and always will be. I know that I should probably look inside and stay alone until I accept the fact that I need to give myself what I can't find in others, but I just can't do that. I did date a girl for almost 3 months towards the end of the school year, but she ended things with me the moment I came to laredo for the summer because she "saw a legit future with me and was too scared of me leaving her that she had to leave me first." I've been back on the dating apps since my birthday. So far there isn't much luck. I found someone I liked but it ended quickly because she wanted kids 10 years from now while I didn't. I met another girl I really liked but for the past few days I have felt pretty depressed (again) and now I feel like she no longer cares for me. I was highly attracted to her, and I still am I think. Idk. Are you fucking kidding me. As i'm typing she just texted "lmk if ur no longer interested, I don't wanna be led on." HELLO? for the past few days things feel wierd with her. She hasn't called even though she keeps saying she will and she posted a note that I literally just cried about because its "MMM SHES SO FINE." She's talking about a fucking girl band. I thought it was about another girl. I'm so ashamed and embarrased. I'm worthless. What is wrong with me? I cope with my loneliness and sadness with sex/sexting then I get upset when I don't feel "seen." I just want to feel loved for once, not just "hot." Ok update I feel normal now I was just being stupid.